


A Very Special Mark

by MudaMuda



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cardverse, Crack, I giggled throughout writing this unfunny abomination, Multi, USUK - Freeform, gerita - Freeform, please read my garbage, this is not serious, tone consistency?, wao so much 4th wall breaking, what’s tone consistency?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MudaMuda/pseuds/MudaMuda
Summary: Alfred finds his queen in an interesting way, the Hearts get intimate with each other, and Roderich has crippling depression. Also, Francis, Lili and Vash do basically nothing. CRACK.





	1. obligatory usuk

**Author's Note:**

> So I always thought the fanon cliche/trope where the characters have the ‘special’ marking that tells if they’re King, Queen, Jack or whatnot was hilarious.  
> The characters always have the marks someplace inconspicuous like on like their chest or arm, but the first time I read a story with that trope, actual 7 year-old me was like, “BUT WHAT IF BUTT INSTEAD!??”  
> Anyway, this is about ‘the mark’ being found in strange places, but mostly me being salty about cardverse tropes that I see a lot.

“We found the Queen of Spades, sire,” Yao announced. He and several guards were standing in front of a peasant hut in the fields of the Spades kingdom.

“Finally,” Alfred, the King of Spades, said to his Jack. “It’s been years and we haven’t found the queen. I thought my sperm was going to dry up before ya’ll found someone for me to impregnate.”

“Well he’s here now, and would you believe it, the Queen is actually a peasant.”

“I would not believe it. What a strange and unprecedented happening. However will the nobility accept our relationship?”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, sire. Anyway, here’s your man-bride.”

Yao opened the door.

A whiskey bottle sailed across the room and shattered against the opposite wall, completely missing its intended target of the King’s head. A drunken peasant stood in the center of the room, seething.

“Get the bloody hell out of my home!” the peasant shouted, this time picking up a chair and holding it over his head.

“Where is he?”

“Here, sire. That’s him.”

“This?” Alfred asked, pointing at the drunk. “This guy right here?”

“Yes, sire.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“How did you get close enough to find the mark?”

“It was no simple task.”

“I figured. Bring him here.”

Alfred kept his distance while the guards tried to coax the-- apparent-- Queen of Spades to put down the chair. With some effort, they coaxed him facedown over a table with his hands behind his head. Only then did Alfred approach.

“Here, Your Majesty,” Yao said. He pulled up the back of the peasant’s shirt.

Alfred wrinkled his nose.

“That’s not a spade. It says ‘fierce’ in pink cursive.”

“That’s me tramp stamp,” the peasant said. “The Spades’ higher up.”

Yao pulled up his shirt more, revealing the Spade.

“There it is,” Alfred said. “What’s your name?”

“Arthur.”

“Arthur, you and I are destined to be together forever. The Gods have decided.”

“How nice.”

“I’m suddenly bewitched by you, with your eyes like green emeralds and your white skin and your lithe body and overall twink-like appearance.”

“Wonderful. I’ve always wanted a rich husband.”

“Who doesn't? Welcome to your new life, as my wife.”

Arthur had to pause. “Your what?”

“My wife.”

“But I identify as male,” Arthur said.

“That’s fine, but there can’t be two husbands,” the King said.

“What the hell else would two married gay men be called, then?”

“Obviously, you're the wife because you're physically smaller, weaker, and more effeminate, compared to my dominating and rugged masculinity. If I’m the only ‘husband’, it’s easier for readers to tell who’s the _real_ man in our sinful yaoi relationship.”

“Because assigning patriarchal values to a homosexual relationship and assuming the female-looking partner is always submissive and the masculine-looking one is always dominant isn't sexist or a restrictive gay stereotype at all,” Arthur said.

“Woman, are you arguing with the king?”

Arthur sighed heavily. “I suppose I can let your offensive preference slide for my greater concern of not having to shovel pig shit for the rest of my short life.”

Alfred took Arthur’s slender hand and helped him onto his white stallion. Arthur wrapped his arms around Alfred’s middle, and they rode into the sunset. One day later, Arthur would go into heat and he and Alfred would have marathon sex until Arthur got pregnant through some kind of anal sex birth miracle.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited because I forgot a trope that's prevalent in a lot of gay fanfic, not just in cardverse.
> 
> Also, I want to make a poll, b/c I'm interested in knowing people's opinions...  
> Comment which Cardverse tropes you like and/or hate the most.  
> No judgements, this is for science.


	2. Queen of Hearts needs love too, guys

The King of Hearts and his Jack were cuddling in bed together after a long day of lovemaking.

“I love you so much, Feliciano.”

“I love you too, Ludwig.”

“Now that we’ve resolved our long-held sexual tensions by sleeping together, what do you think the future holds for us?”

“I think there’s room in this story for one fight that tears us apart before we get back together,” the copper-haired Italian said joyfully.

“I’ve been thinking about something,” Ludwig said. “You know how we have heart marks? Mine is in a very inconspicuous place right here on my chest, over… well, my heart…”

“I know. It’s very cute,” Feliciano said. “But what’s wrong? You look sad all of a sudden.”

“In all the time we’ve been together, I haven’t seen my partner’s mark.”

“What are you talking about? Mine’s on my ass.”

“I know. I was referring to the partner I  _ don’t  _ sleep with,” Ludwig said, gesturing to his side, where the Queen of Hearts was laying in bed as well.

Feliciano sat up. “Oh, right! Kiku’s been so busy being a third wheel, we haven’t had time to talk about him.”

“It certainly has been a while since we included him in the plot. Ask him where his mark is.”

“Where is it, Kiku?” Feliciano asked. “But remember, don’t go too into detail explaining or else you’ll seem interesting, and then we’ll have to include you in the story as more than a cursory wingman character.”

“I understand,” Kiku said.

“Okay, go.”

“I resent the fact that you’re sleeping with my legal spouse,” Kiku said. “But I don’t complain because I’m too polite. However, I will no longer tolerate--”

“Um, that was a good try, but I’ll have to stop you right there. That’s too interesting.” 

“I see.”

“Great!” Feliciano said cheerfully. He turned back over to Ludwig.

“Well, that’s enough dialogue for Kiku. Back to our much more exciting romance.”

“Thank goodness. I was getting bored already.”

By the way, did I tell you I love you, Ludwig?”

“You did. I love you as well.”

Ludwig wrapped his arms around Feliciano, who snuggled in closer, burying his face in Ludwig’s masculine pecs. They fell asleep in each other's arms, like they did every night. 

This situation was much too gay and awkward for Kiku. He got out of bed and went to sleep on the couch.  

* * *

 


	3. The Clubs

“Damn, Roddie, what happened to your face?”

Roderich rolled his eyes. “Oh, hello, Gilbert. Fancy seeing you here. And the Club on my face is a birthmark, as I have told you.”

“The hell it is. It wasn't there the last time I crashed your crib.”

“Please desist with your bullshit, if you could. I am the illustrious Jack of Clubs, and I am not to be trifled with.”

“It’s so symmetrical with your other mole.”

“It’s not a _mole,_ it is also a beauty mark.”

“Anyway, your face looks dumb.”

“Eloquent as ever.”

Roderich grimaced and covered his nose.

“Gilbert, have you bathed at all in the past month?”

“I fell into a river last week. Does that count?”

“And what are your clothes covered in?”

“Oh, this?” Gilbert pulled at his black hoodie. “This is probably… actually, I don’t want to know.”

Elizabeta came into the room.

“Gilbert. How the hell did you get into Ivan’s palace?” she asked.

“The window. And before that, the sewer.”

“Which explains the smell,” Roderich said.

“What do you even want?” Eliza asked. “You break in the palace like once a week, and for what? The fun?”

“No, for the food and air conditioning. I’m kinda homeless.

“I thought sometimes Ludwig let you stay in his basement.”

“That’s not a permanent home.”

“Maybe you should find a job.”

“Magic _is_ a job. Quit riding my ass.”

Then Ivan walked in. He smiled at the three already gathered in the hallway.

“What’s this? Are we having a party? Who smells like sewage?”

Gilbert blanched. “Oh, shit, it’s the red menace. Gotta bounce.”

And he jumped out the window from whence he came.

“Is he leaving already?” Ivan asked. “Why does everyone cower in fear when I enter room? That hurts my self esteem.”

A solitary tear slid down his cheek. It was icy, in the same way the entire land of Clubs was icy. It was always winter in the Clubs for some reason, but no one questioned it.

Eliza sighed and took Ivan’s arm. “It’s okay. I know you don’t mean to be scary. People just don’t understand you.”

“I will break your neck like toothpick if you don’t release my arm.”

“Well, I tried,” Eliza said, stepping back. She kept stepping back until she was out of the room. She waved at Roderich.

“He’s your problem now, dear.”

"God damn it," Roderich said.

* * *

 


	4. whoops i forgot to do the diamonds

One beautiful day in the country of Diamonds, Francis and his queen Lili were taking the air. They sat at a quaint little table on their glittering balcony made of solid gold. Beyond the grand castle lay the rolling mountains of their kingdom, and beyond that, the sea. Birds fluttered above in the cloudless sky. 

As they looked out upon their picturesque country, they made idle conversation.

“Oh, my dear. Isn’t it nice to be fabulously rich?” Francis asked.

“It is, my much older husband who is actually more of a father figure,” Lili replied.

“ _ Am  _ I very much older than you? I don’t quite remember your age.”

“I’m around fourteen. Give or take a few years.”

Francis sighed. “I expect Chris Hansen will arrive in my throne room any day now.”

“Well, we’re living in a pseudo-medieval alternate universe. The age difference probably isn’t all that strange.”

“True. Besides, all we do together is stand around and drink tea and have adorable little picnics.”

Then, the glass doors leading onto the balcony opened. A scowling man wearing the Jack insignia stepped through.

“What’s going on up here? I heard someone talking about my sister.”

“Oh, Vash,” Francis said, setting down his teacup. “I completely forgot you were in my employment. Someone really needs to give you a bigger part in these stories.”

“But I--”

“Parts that  _ don’t  _ revolve around your sister.”

“I don’t mind,” Vash said with a shrug. “Playing the same old part is rather peaceful.” 

Lili nodded. “In fact, having a limited part in the other kingdoms’ drama in general isn’t a drawback.”

“Yes,” Francis agreed. “Without being involved in wars and other squabbles, we can spend our days idly.”

“For example, making flower crowns,” Lili said cutely.

“Or counting our piles of money,” Vash said.

“Or having an illicit affair with the Queen of Spades,” Francis said.

“Isn’t life wonderful?” Lili asked.

 

And they all laughed and drank tea together for the rest of the afternoon.


	5. ok this is the last one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had more jokes to tell, so here's a bonus chapter

A certain blond-haired and emerald-orbed man was doing some paperwork at his desk. Being Queen was a tiring job, but he managed to do all the vague duties that came with it. Which were basically just paperwork and wandering aimlessly around the castle searching for the next plot point, day in, day out.

And as he seemed to have finished his paperwork for today, that meant it was time to walk around until he bumped into the king so some conflict could happen.

In fact, Arthur felt some conflict coming on right now. It was a pretty strong feeling in his chest. Like heartburn.

Or s-something else!?

“My king, there is a great disturbance in the lands!” he yelled.

He wasn't sure how he knew this, but he thought it made sense to blurt out, as he started to feel strange from a mysterious but otherwise nondescript feeling surging through him. It was like he was going to faint, but also like something burning and powerful was throbbing in his chest. Like heartburn.

“Alfred,” he said, his king’s name breathlessly passing from his saccharine, rosy lips, before he lost consciousness. Luckily, Alfred was there to catch him in his powerful arms, into which Arthur fell gracefully. But Arthur didn't know this, because he was passed out.

When he awoke, he was lying on a soft surface, like a bed.

He was wrong. It was a couch.

Anyway, the sapphire-eyed king and the east asian-looking jack were standing over him, looking worried.

“I had the strangest dream while I was unconscious for all of twenty seconds,” Arthur said.

“It may be the Turning Dream, Sire,” Yao whispered enigmatically to Alfred.

“Maybe,” Alfred said. “What did you see in your dream, Arthur?”

“Well, I was building a nest of some kind. With sheets and clothes and dishtowels and tablecloths. All in a pile. And then I lay naked in it. Then Alfred came over and we made love, but for some reason he had a dog cock.”

“That was last Tuesday,” Alfred said. “And that actually happened. I got you pregnant. Maybe if you stopped hitting the bottle so much, you'd remember.”

“Very well, but if I didn’t have a prophecy dream, that still doesn't explain the strange rush I experienced,” Arthur said. “Did my blood sugar get low again?”

“No. That feeling you experienced was the power of the gods,” Yao explained wisely, like the wise…. person he was. Yao’s position as Jack honestly wasn't well-defined. His duties ranged from 'caregiver' to ‘purveyor of wisdom’ to ‘general plot exposition’, and he often longed for some semblance of certainty. Never again would he apply for a court position with such an ambiguous job description. The Jacks from the other kingdoms shared similar grievances.

“What gods?” Arthur asked. “I was an ignorant peasant until like a week ago, so you’ll have to enlighten me.”

“Very well,” Yao said, putting his hands into his long sleeves before launching into a long and rambling info dump about the lore of the kingdoms. He went on for at least three paragraphs, describing names, places, wars, and concepts that, despite apparently being crucial to understanding the world of the kingdoms, were actually not that important in the long run. Most readers skimmed this part in order to get back to the plot, and Yao could see that Arthur was likewise zoning out at his explanation of how the Old Spade Ones were conceived from the seed of the Ace Morganaasdfghjkl’s left testicle. 

He wrapped his story up, concluding, “basically, the reason why you have that power is so you can protect the Spades kingdom.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty serious and complicated,” Alfred said. “I also have magic powers, but I’ll talk about those later.”

Arthur yawned. “I am completely certain I will forget every word you said in that boring explanation, but thank you anyway, Yao.”

Yao nodded sagely. “Please accept my humble apologies for leaving so quickly, but I forgot to leave my rice cooker on and my rice is probably getting ruined,” he said, then gave a sweeping, obsequious bow. Alfred and Arthur’s rude and uncultured western minds were blown by the sheer politeness of this fucking bow, and the six others Yao did before he left the room. Then Yao put his shoes back on (true to his asian ways, he had taken them off and put them beside the door) and left for real.

“Wow, the author really wants to make it clear Yao's asian,” Alfred mused. “Not even like a specific type of asian, just ‘asian’. I mean, isn't it kinda strange that my love for mayo and golfing isn't focused on, but the author takes pains to indicate that Yao’s one of the like… two non-white people in this story? Kiku’s the only other person in the main cast who’s also--”

“Let's not look too deeply into it,” Arthur said quickly. “Anyway, we were talking about my newfound magic power? And how you also have a power?”

“Oh, yeah! The gods bestowed me with a Clock of Wisdom,” Alfred said, taking a Spade-shaped pocket watch out of his coat pocket. “The King of each of the four kingdoms has a special item. When we put them all together, some life or death magic shit happens that decides the fate of the world. But it’s mostly my clock that’s important because, let's be real, USUK is what everyone came to read, and readers want to see you and me lead the story, so the other kingdoms are secondary. Therefore, by mere plot contrivance, my watch is the best item, ergo the Spades are the most powerful of the four kingdoms.”

“Fascinating!” Arthur said. “What, may I ask, are the other items?”

Alfred gave him a knowing smile. “Why don't you come with me and see them in action?”

\-----

Some indeterminate time later, the Spades monarchs were standing on a nondescript patch of land behind someone else's kingdom. A royal backyard, if you will. 

Somehow, Alfred had convinced all the kings to show up in the same place and show off their items’ power. He and the other kings stood in a circle and lifted their items to the sky.

“Clock of wisdom!” Alfred said.

“Shield of strength!” Ludwig said.

“Sword of valor!” Ivan said.

“Dildo of power(bottoming)!” Francis said.

Then they sang the Power Rangers theme song in acapella and the items activated. 

But not perfectly.

“Damn, something went wrong,” Alfred said, as a swirling vortex opened in the sky above them.

“We sang off key and our magic power accidentally summoned the evil ones,” Ludwig said helpfully. “Alfred, we're counting on you to defeat the evil.”

“You and your wife,” Ivan said, gesturing at Arthur.

“Us secondary characters would only get in your way,” Francis said. 

“Right,” Alfred said. “Arthur, you and I were chosen by the gods. This is our chance to use our powers. Because I’m King, I’ll lead the attacks and because you’re Queen, you can heal me.”

“What do you mean ‘because’?” Arthur asked. “I’d like to be a DPS magician. Or perhaps we can switch roles, and you can be the healer sometimes.”

“Arthur, we went over this in chapter 1. Kings and Queens of this world follow male and female gender roles, respectively. Because you’re uke, that basically means you’re a woman, and women are traditionally healers/caregivers. So you can only use healing magic.”

“Well, if I must,” Arthur conceded.

The other Queens/wives (who also happened to be there, but weren’t mentioned yet) went up to offer some magical healing items to Arthur to help him on his journey.

Lili gave him an amulet of protection.

Eliza gave him a gauntlet of healing.

Kiku held out tiger balm between two chopsticks.

“Thank you all,” Arthur said. “These will be very useful.” He turned to Alfred. “Now let’s defeat the evil.”

“Yeah,” Alfred said determinedly, grasping Arthur’s hand tightly in his. At that moment, a radiant glow shone from the point where their hands clasped, indicating their powerful love that would bond them together through their journey.

 

In the coming chapters, they would bitch at each other nonstop, except when they were having sex. And they had a lot of sex; mostly unprotected. Eventually, Arthur birthed a beautiful heir named Avery Jones-Kirkland, who inherited Arthur’s eyebrows and Alfred’s cowlick, and also their vast kingdom.

And everyone lived happily ever after.


End file.
